The Sacred Textimus is a divinely inspired group of manuscripts that was found and written by men of holy spark.
Chapter 1: Of the Beginning of Time and Spark
- Before the longness of time there was a beginning which was only created with simple ease.
- At first I created the book, for without it you would not have known. Then time was, for with it you could live. So I created Men.
- But Men was without form and bone, so I created land so they could crawl on the land. I created the beast also.
- The birds I also created without form and bone, so I then created air so the birds can fly in the air.
- The fish I also created without form and bone, so I then created water so the fish can swim in the water.
- The creatures needed to eat so I created bushes, trees, and the sea bush, so that the beast and bird and fish could eat. I created nuts also.
- I created small creatures, some for food for the other creatures, some to eat your plants. So you would not become over fattened with vegetable.
- While Men slept, I created the Sun, the Moon, the Stars and the constellations. I threw them in the sky so they flew around each other. To each star I created movement.
- I then looked and the universe looked milky. It was nice.
- I placed bones made of nuts and ivory and placed them in Man and beast. I formed Men to look like the great Apes of Africana. I shaved Men of their hair except at the top of the head, the pits of the arm, and the testicle.
- I then made a spark to live in Men and beast and they then breathed and moved. It was nice.
- It was then I called the first Man, Adam, for he is the first.
- And the other Man I called, Steve, for he is the other.
Chapter 2: Of the Vision of the Man and the Cow
- I am of one kind to make greet to you. You are very nice indeed. In this I beheld and lo a Man and a Cow. The Man was ten feet tall and the Cow was three feet tall and seventy furlongs wide. It had enough to carry every breathing thing that crawled on its back. The Man ate the Cow also.
- But when the Man saw that the Cow was wide enough to carry every breathing thing that crawls He said, “Cow, will you not only carry that which crawleth and breaths, but not things which do fly and breathe?”. And thus it was that the Cow grew and behold it was wide enough to carry not only those who crawleth and breathes, but also those who fly and breathes.
- But when the Man saw that the Cow was wide enough to carry every breathing thing that crawls and those who fly and breathes, He said, “Cow, will you not only carry that which crawleth and breaths, and those who fly and breathes, but not things which do swim and breathe?”. And thus it was that the Cow grew and behold it was wide enough to carry not only those who crawleth and breathes, and those who fly and breathes, but also those who swimeth and breathes.
- And thus it was that the Cow was three feet tall but the width of it increased to one hundred and eighty two furlongs.
- And so the Cow was eaten by all the creatures of the land.
Chapter 3: Of Woman and the Domesticated Partnership with Man
- I saw Steve as he held his bag of seed to make the earth grow. But before long, he began to wander and take his seed to the Apes of Africana and looked even at the vegetable of the forest and began to lust. I was angry at him.
- In my fury I took Steve and cut his testicles and shaft, and placed melons upon his chest, for Steve lusted after the melon, and henceforth created I a new man. “Woe”, said I. And thus I called him, Woeman, or as in the present tongue, Woman.
- Wherefore Steve was embarrassed without testicles and he called himself, Eve.
- Of this time I made the spark of Adam to climb mountain and cross seas to find Eve and to create new men and women. In this he did so and grew muscular but his brain did faint a little.
- It was this day I approved of the unification and declared them domesticated partners. From this day, man and woman should live together for as long as possible until spark no longer had its heat.
- When the spark no longer found its heat, then shall the man separate from the woman and the woman from the man and find another, and they shall die a sorrowful death when the heart faileth.